Kardashian. What does that name mean to you? Around fifteen years ago, that name was partially responsible for one of the greatest atrocities our judicial system has ever allowed. Robert Kardashian was a member of the Monstar (Yes, that’s a Space Jam reference) legal defense team that OJ Simpson assembled for his case. A case so notorious, that even while it occurred at a period in my life where my deepest questions lied within choosing between Snack Packs or Dunkaroo’s (Dunkaroo’s till the day I die) to be included as dessert in my red Power Ranger lunchbox, I still couldn’t understand how a glove not fitting justified acquitting.
The point is that we should’ve seen this coming. Millions of American’s hearts sank as Robert passionately hugged his dearest friend on October 3rd, 1995, but we must’ve been so overwhelmed with OJ that we didn’t see who the real enemy was. The man who hatched the plan to marry a self indulgent money grubbing wannabe Milf, go onto conceive three completely oblivious and spoiled rotten whores, along with some dude who not only looks like but acts more useless than Vinny on the at least humorous Jersey Shore, and then completely brainwash over four million people every week for the past five years into getting sucked into the inescapable deathly black hole that is Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
I only write about the Kardashians because of a recent phenomenon I’ve discovered. Every time I’m channel surfing, I normally come across the E! channel. (Which must stand for Excrement!) And every time I stumble across the E! channel, there happens to be a Kardashian marathon on! What I’ve found is that if you don’t change the channel within five seconds of being exposed to the Kardashians, you will then find yourself in a trance. Time will stand still as you zone out all of your surroundings and your brain will then inhabit the mindset of a Kardashian. When you inherit the mental state of a Kardashian, no thoughts or emotions will enter or leave your body. You feel nothing. You aren’t even aware of the fact that you are alive; let alone watching a television program. You become one of them. I call this experience Kardiash Arrest. To the non Kardashian viewer, Kardiash Arrest normally lasts for around a minute, till you snap back into reality, and ask yourself, “What the hell just happened?” But within that minute, you are totally powerless. It’s similar to the experiences of suspected alien abductees. You don’t recall what exactly has just taken place, only that you feel something isn’t right. You try to continue with your existence and everyday activities, but you know you’ll never be the same. Innocence is lost. The fact that you took a peek into the window of their lives will forever be with you. This is how it starts. Now that the seed is planted, the next time you are channel surfing and find yourself rollin’ on E! with the Kardashians, your time experienced in Kardiash Arrest will increase, and can multiply severely. Five years in the making, and millions of viewers later, the name Kardashian holds a special place within your subconscious. Your familiarity with their show will spark mixed emotions every time someone drops a K bomb. You could potentially even find yourself in a discussion of their recent trip to New Orleans that ended in heartbreak and tragedy, with a few laughs along the way. And that’s when you know you’ve reached the point of no return. Watching full episodes between studying, exploring the on demand button on your remote control for more juicy gossip, and just when you think you’ve injected the whole supply, you find yourself shooting up with the recent Khloe and Kourtney reality show spin off. It’s anything to get your fix at this point.
But I want to help. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to see any more of my fellow Americans hooked on this phase any longer. (Especially now that we’ve finally conquered that dreaded soccer phase again. Why don’t we make it every 12 years to really increase the excitement!) That’s why I’m taking one for the team. I’m going to engage in watching an entire episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, while analyzing every second and detail of whatever they endure. My hope is that by reading the utter insanity and insignificance that I will endure for the next half hour, you and millions like yourself will be spared of experiencing any of the Kardiash Arrest epidemic that has swept our beloved nation. As for me? I only pray that I find the strength to fight off my K.A. after this whole ordeal is done. God speed…
I’m currently flipping through the on demand menu, finally finding the Excrement! Section. Hmm, look at all the options we have. Girls Next Door? Nah, I’m not twelve and don’t have access to the internet. Holly’s World? As if the other two didn’t have enough personality. But I ignore my raging hormones and trot on. I’m clicking on the Kardashian menu and browsing through the episode titles. Let’s see, here’s what we have. “Weekend from Hell”?
“Kourtney arranges a special weekend trip to Santa Barbara to spend time with her sisters before her baby arrives. But when she’s left out of some activities, Kourtney question if she’ll ever be close with her sisters again. See the drama unfold!”
Oh I just may description from Mediacom! Who honestly as the job of writing a synopsis for the on demand menu of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Whoever they are, I see reminiscence of Hemmingway. The next one is titled “I Want Your Sex”… I guess I’ll check this one out.
“Khloe makes a “love tape” for her hubby Lamar…”
Ok, think I’m gonna take a rain check on that one. Here we go. “Blame the Alcohol”. It says that Kim is celebrating her 29th birthday, damn 29? That’s almost over the hill in E! years I thought. So they’re partying in Vegas, some drama unfolds, and some dude named Scott apparently gets belligerent during the b-day dinner, and I’m assuming Scott is some lazy pile that is willing to put up with the Kardashian who’s a 6 at best in order to milk that money machine. Oh who am I kidding, that guy probably has it made. The only problem is it’s 45 minutes long… Screw it, this is in the name of journalism.
The first advertisement for tonight’s episode is presented by Cesar, canine cuisine. Clearly the target audience shows us this show is recommended for people who are willing to spend 12 dollars a can for some sloshed up raw meat that could’ve came from Shrek’s swamp for a species that communicates by sniffing each other’s butts. This is going to be the longest 45 minutes ever.
OMG! It’s about to go down! They just showed a minute long preview of what were getting ourselves into tonight, and from what I’ve gathered (For some reason I feel I sound like a reporter for the Weather Channel who’s stationed right in Hurricane Katrina describing the destruction that is happening all around me to two white male and female anchors sitting in an air conditioned TV set, who are secretly hooking up.) Whoever this Scott guy is semi looks like Christian Bale, and proceeds to get extremely drunk and be huge jerk to everyone… Wait, maybe that was Christian Bale.
We start with Kim and some moron who apparently is the CEO of something out to a fancy dinner, where I can only imagine what it would be like for me to go on a date with Kim.
“So… How’s the food?”
“Oh my God Evan, it’s so good.”
“See Kim, I told you the Ahi tuna was to die for!”
“Haha, oh my God, you’re so right Evan.”
“Haha, yes Kim I am! Haha, ha, ha… So, who’s bigger? Ray Jay or Reggie?”
They start talking about her upcoming birthday, and cue the dramatic piano and steady close up as Kim gets real about some drama that was supposed to go down.
TEXTING TALLY: 1
I’m currently shaking my head. Kim explains to me that she doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday in Vegas because she has to, cough, ahem, work.
“But I have to work, I mean, come on.”
I see that Ryan Seacrest is an executive producer. He’s just always finding talent, that guy.
So do they all live in the same house? Kim just walks into her home and immediately starts yelling for her mother like a sixteen year old who totaled the beamer backing out of the garage. She goes to her mother’s room, where she asks her mother told someone she’s celebrating her birthday in Vegas. Here’s a God honest quote from the Botox wonder herself.
“Kim, you work 364 days a year? Don’t you think it’s time for a little break?”
Scratch that, she just one upped it in her one on one camera confession.
“Kim has been working hard, 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year.”
I’m at a loss for words.
“You’re not made of steel Kim!”
TEXTING TALLY: 2
Oh my God, Christian Bale! He’s shopping with Kourtney, whom after a quick camera confession, I now downgrade to a 5 at best. (Maybe she’s born with it, or maybe it’s way too much Maybelline)
Now the whole family is gathered in the kitchen, where they proceed to analyze a photo of Kim that is very revealing, and they engage in a family debate over the authenticity of Kim’s breasts and buttocks. Literally, every member of the Kardashian family is talking about Kim’s T&A for about twenty seconds. (TEXTING TALLY 3) Then the talking lip injection (Mz. Kardash) reveals to us that she recently got Kourtney’s boyfriend Bale a new job, because to put it frankly, Bale wasn’t doing diddly. Kourtney comments on how her mother is always too harsh for Bale, then the father says something completely useless, leading me to question what the hell this guy does again, prompting a quick Wikipedia search, finding he’s an Olympic athlete, then Khloe calls the group on speakerphone and swears at everyone for not paying attention to her, then they all start yelling at each other while Fake Vinny chills in the corner drinking a Sprite Zero, all leading up to…
You know what? I can’t do it. I’m only eight minutes into this odyssey and my head is nearly about to explode with more drama than a Tuesday night on TNT. Look at me, play by playing something more meaningless than a NFL preseason game. I’ve officially experienced Kardiash Arrest for eight minutes straight. But I’ve impressed myself. I was basically four dream layers down into conceiving the inception when I suddenly felt the kick that sprung me back to reality and minutes away from being in limbo forever. (So did you see it? OMG! What do you think! I think the dreidel doesn’t stop spinning!... I’m really banking that you’ve seen Inception) But maybe I survived for a reason. Maybe I’ve been chosen. I’ve been to hell and back. I am the One. I have been unplugged, and I need to warn you people. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you. (Cue badass Rage Against the Machine music… Matrix anyone? I need to cool it on the sci-fi movie references…)