That Is What My Youth Was For

My life would not be the same if it were not for cable television. I've always had a TV in my bedroom, and it has always had cable. I was one of those overweight, socially inept latchkey kids that Bill O'Reilly rants about. Some would argue that I still am. However, I think my steady diet of VH1 and E! has brought me to where I am, so let that be a lesson to all the parents out there: Let your kids watch cable and they can grow up to be cynical, overweight, socially inept semi-journalists!

This point came into focus last weekend, when I performed my Saturday routine; sleep until noon, do the essential grooming, sit in bed cloaked in pajamas and find whatever mindless crap is on TV. I have a fascination with Nickelodeon favorite "Drake and Josh," a show starring two obviously twenty-something actors as teenage stepbrothers and best friends. The show isn't remotely smart or subversive but Drake is hot and it lets me relive my awkward adolescence instead of living my awkward collegiate experience. Anyway, imagine my surprise when I turned on Nickelodeon and found a message scrolling across the screen. The message was encouraging me to go out and play. The voice also told me that Nickelodeon was going to air nothing but the scroll until 3 p.m.

In a huff I flipped a few stations down to CNN. An investigative report about Americans as an overfed population was on. Apparently, we eat too much and exercise too little. I found both of these occurrences to be a sign. So I took the signs to heart, went to my computer, and now is the final draft of my blogging. (You didn't really think exercise was going to be the result, did you?)

As a fatty, I can attest to the detrimental nature of junk food and the culture of sugar-pushing that we inflict on our children. It is a problem for which we all have a hand in; The politicians pushing corn subsidies (sorry Iowa) so that all foods contain additives (like corn syrup) in place of real ingredients, poor nutrition and health education for kids and parents, parents that work too hard and too much because they are struggling to make ends meet and can't cook for their kids every night. Yet, I don't think it is fair for Nickelodeon to go dark once or twice a year for a few hours and act like they aren't part of the problem. Losing viewers for two days a year does NOT equal absolution.

Nickelodeon is the real evil facing our children. Yesterday, I saw a commercial for a Barbie that comes with a credit card and some sort of shopping accessories (like a rack of clothes, and a cash register). The girl in the commercial swipes her Barbie card and the cash register lets her know how much "money" she has "charged." She looks at the camera, full of tween joy, and says, "Shopping is SO easy!"

That's the message we should teach kids. Swipe, swipe, swipe your problems away. I didn't see the girl balance her checkbook, and she was a tween so I doubt she had a job to pay off her BarbieCard balance. There are only three kinds of commercials that I ever see on Nickelodeon (though I am not the best source on this); food, toys, and media (movies, music, video games, the occasional book which is usually based on a character who originated in another medium). The shows on Nickelodeon are twenty-two minutes in length, but each segment often only lasts for two to three minutes. The shows and commercials often feature neon colors and fast guitar riffs. We are raising our children to be bloated, corn-fueled automatons with short attention spans! And Nickelodeon is molasses over the good parenting that is available.

Am I being too harsh? Probably, but isn't there a little truth to the fact that Nickelodeon is a significant force in the lives of American children? The fact can be found in the fact that they have this campaign to get kids exercising is self-acknowledgement of the influence they have on kids' decisions and lifestyle choices.

The network can't have the influence it has, and attempt to use it "for good" by encouraging kids to get off their butts and play, and then return to hours of the Short-Attention Span Playhouse. Nickelodeon should constantly be doing things to push kids in the right direction, encouraging positive behaviors DESPITE its advertisers.

Of course, being a fatty with access to a blog isn't so bad either. But I've had great parents to help me out, and we can't assume that all of Nickelodeon's viewers are so lucky.

-Meryn

P.S. Nickelodeon should bring back reruns of "Clarissa Explains It All," too.