Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Best Twwweeets of 2010

If we learned anything in 2010, besides the side effects of oil, adding mosque to my vocabulary, and how much Arizona loves diversity, it'd have to be that Twitter is here to stay. At first I was amazed by its simplicity. By basically stealing the status update from Facebook, Twitter busted on the scene and made anyone who can type suddenly important. Now here we are at the end of 2010, and it can finally be concluded that Everyone has Twitter. That is, everyone that matters.

And just to clarify that when I say everyone that matters, I mean famous people. Everyone loves famous people, except there's that slight curiosity we repress that tears us apart to know what exactly famous people think throughout the course of their everyday famous lives. Do they wake up everyday and put their pants on one leg at a time? (Or one meat limb at a time, Gaga?) Do they make the same decisions we do? (Hmm... Red or Yellow Ferrari today?) While thanks to Twitter, all our unfulfilled answers of celebrity's most inner thoughts are available to us at our own disposal. So without further ado, I'd like to list the top 5 most inner thoughts from my favorite famous people whom I follow intensely everyday waking minute of my life. Enjoy.

5. 50 Cent (Still keepin' it gangsta via 140 characters or less)

@50CENT: Perez hilton calld me douchebag so I had my homie shoot up a gay wedding. wasnt his but still made me feel better.

I only wish I could be a fly on the wall for 50's therapy sessions.

4. Kevin Jonas (The bad boy of the bros)

@kevinjonas: Bieber fans are talking shit about me? I’m sorry, I can’t hear them. I’m not seated near the kids table…

AWWWW SHIIIAAAAT YOOO! Was dat a Thanksgiving themed insult K-Jo?

3. Kanye West

@kanyewest: i hate when im on a flight & I wake up with a water bottle next 2 me like oh great now i gotta be responsible for this water bottle

Sounds like Yeezy's having a Larry David moment.

2. John McCain

@johnmccain:
@Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama's tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!

He's Hip! He's Fresh! He's familiar with Jersey Shore! McCain 2012!

1. Al Qaeda

@alqaeda: just noticed twitter keeps keeps prompting me to "Add a location to your tweets." not falling for that one.

Damn, there goes all that money spent on intelligence.


by: EvAn ClArK

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bon Hiver

So says the French phrase meaning, "good winter." Eau Claire, Wisconsin musician Justin Vernon, aptly named his band Bon Iver several years ago, which has gained an emerging presence in today's music. The project took inspiration during a time where Vernon was in lowly stances. He had lost a band, a girl friend, and suffered from mononucleosis. With six years of pain behind him, Vernon escaped to northern Wisconsin in the middle of winter, where he could take solace in the tranquil, remote cabin. In his three-month stay, he poured his emotion into a debut album titled For Emma, Forever Ago. The unique composition of vocal harmonies, "entangled lyrics", and layers of ambiance gives listeners a sense of Vernon's emotion. The album, recorded solely by Vernon himself, blew up across the nation. He took on other musicians to create a touring band, one that has been all over the world. The story of his success is fascinating to many, but the music Bon Iver creates has an even stronger effect.

Here's their most recognizable song, "Skinny Love", performed live.


Bon Iver "Skinny Love" from Isaac Day on Vime

Bon Iver, comprised of Vernon, Michael Noyce, Sean Carey, and Matthew McCaughan, is currently on a long break after touring for three years. But they will be back. For those who can't get enough Bon Iver, especially during these winter months, keep your Friday night open. At the Mill,120 East Burlington St, Bon Iver’s Sean Carey will perform his first solo album, in which he took heavy inspiration from Vernon’s style. Carey also draws from many other bands and musicians he’s seen while on tour, and has truly created a unique sound that is vast and natural in each composition. Here’s a sample of Carey’s brilliance in the song, “In The Dirt.”


In My Room: S Carey "In the Dirt" from Yours Truly on Vimeo.

The group, titled S. Carey, takes the stage Friday night at 9 p.m. Admission is $8 in advanced, and $10 at the door. This is set up to be a great winter show, especially with opening act, White Hinterland. The electronic group is led by the vocals of Casey Dienel. Check them out before you go also.


Begin Again from leif peterson on Vimeo.

Oh, and "Bon hiver, mes amis. Passé de bonnes vacances!"

-Eric Hawkinson

Getting Into the Holiday Spirit with a Cinematic Classic

Home Alone never gets old. It is one of those movies that people watch over and over, especially around the holidays. The heartwarming comedy is arguably one of the best holiday films made since the beginning of the 90s.




Anyway, one of the best things about Home Alone are the iconic quotes that stick with kids as they grow up watching the movie dozens of times. Therefore, here is a countdown of the top 5 quotes from the original Home Alone movie:

5. "This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And in a few years time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?"
4. "This is my house, I have to defend it."
3. "Keep the change ya filthy animal."
2. "Look whatcha did ya little jerk!"
1. "Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof. "



So as finals week approaches and your brain turns to mush from writing too many papers or making hundreds of flash cards, this movie is a great way to sit back, relax, and get ready for the holidays.

-By Hannah Kramer

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2010 - whoa.

Every year when the time for the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion show comes along, guys go wild and girls are either green with envy or obsessed with the idea of looking like one of the angels.

This year is no exception.

The televised fashion extravaganza is a marketing dream.

The models look amazing, the costumes are inventive, and what girl, or guy with a lady friend, wouldn't want to buy some of Vicky's undies if putting them on made girls look like those models.

Victorias-Secret-Fashion-Show-2010.jpg


It is truly a spectacle - especially with the inclusion of A-list music artist like Katy Perry and Akon.

The part about the show that I find most comical are the camera shots, which often close up on parts of the models that other fashion shows don't highlight... mainly the areas covered by the six inches of fabric on the models' bodies. I'm just sayin'... I'm sure there is no better place for a straight guy to be than behind the lens of that camera during the show.

All jokes aside, I give props to the models, designers, and coordinators of the event. Every year they put together a show that out-does the year before.

This year's highlight: the "wild" jungle animal print themed series of costumes. A+.


-By Hannah Kramer

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Why choose Uggs?


The other day I was walking to Burge with a friend from my spanish class. I happened to be wearing my gray sweater Uggs with my sweatpants tucked inside.
My friend looked down at my feet and asked, "Why do so many girls wear those? What's wrong with normal shoes?"
As I tried to convince him that not only are they the easiest shoe to put on, but they are also the most comfortable and not to mention warm, I started to think about his question,"Why do so many girls wear them?"
I don't think anyone is quite positive as to when the Ugg craze started, it just kind of did. It was a new trend that everyone was participating in, and if you didn't have them you were missing out on what some might call a shoe epidemic.
Sure they are comfortable and you don't have to deal with the hassle of tying shoe laces, but now that I think about it, the Ugg boot isn't a very good looking shoe. It's actually dare I say . . . ugly.
Of course, this won't stop me from wearing them and it won't stop people from buying the latest style, but it's something to think about. Will people ever realize that Uggs are actually an ugly shoe? Will this Ugg craze ever end?

-Samantha Gentry

Carpe diem

Yesterday, I overheard a conversation between two girls sitting and talking about their upcoming week.

“God, I will be so happy once this week is over,” said one to the other.

It was a normal conversation, and a normal thought to have. Many times in my own experiences, I’ve said to myself that once I get past a certain point, I could finally be happy. It didn’t occur to me until later that what they said was actually intriguing. Happiness is something that everyone seeks, a universal goal. But someone tell me why happiness is always pushed aside by ordinary circumstances? I don’t suppose you could tell me the meaning of life while you’re at it.

- Eric Hawkinson

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Just Whip, Don't Grind

Willow Smith’s song “Whip My Hair” has become an obsession all over campus. I must have heard the song playing from eight different dorm rooms this week. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s daughter has also become very popular in the entertainment industry since her single dropped. Her new single has climbed to the top of the music charts and her performance of the dance recently appeared on Ellen.
There is no wonder why “Whip My Hair” has had such sudden popularity- it’s a great song to dance to. My friends and I have definitely whipped our hair back and forth a few times to this song, occasionally getting whiplash.
The one negative thing about this craze on campus is that many people are doing more than just “whipping their hair back and forth” when they dance to this song. This is a song people grind to. And when I say grind I mean pretty much doing everything but having sex on the dance floor. People are grinding to a 10 year-old’s song. Something about this idea makes me cringe. People have the right to dance the way they want but I feel that it is inappropriate to grind to a 10 year-old’s pre-pubescent voice.
Please people, limit your dirty dancing to songs by artists who have at least graduated from grade school. But feel free to whip your hair back and forth!

Manny don't need no comforting

Music is powerful. It can move you, in more ways than one. It can change your feelings, your thoughts. It can inspire you. This song, "Right Me Up" by State Radio really shows the effect music can have.



State Radio, out of Boston, has special ties to those with handicaps, and disabilities. Lead singer, Chad Stokes, was a councilor at Camp Jaberwockee, a summer camp for the disabled in Massachusetts, when he found the inspiration for this song. He wrote it about one of his campers, Manny Furtado, who despite all his setbacks, still manages to find joy in whatever happens. It's a moving story, a beautiful video, and a great song. I definitely needed to rethink myself after watching.

Sometimes music can put things into perspective. Sometimes we just need to smile at life, like Manny would.

-Eric Hawkinson

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Say Cheese

My grandmother is known for playing paparazzi. As she opens her door to greet me, I am instantly blinded by a white flash of light. I see my life unfold in front of my eyes until I realize that it is only her camera. Her mustard yellow, grocery store bought, “old-school” film camera.

For years I have nagged her to go digital. She has a cell phone, DVD player, and even satellite television, but she refuses to buy an SLR camera.
“Grandma, this Canon 7D would look wonderful in your home,” I say.
“I will just get a nice plant instead,” she replies.

I try to convince her that digital software allows individuals to alter ISO, aperture, and shutter speeds to their hearts content, yet she still ignores my pleas. This is why, when my multimedia class assignment consisted of a photo slideshow using a simple Kodak point and shoot camera, my jaw hit the floor.

I began my photo adventure with a negative outlook. Yet the more I snapped photos, my attitude drastically changed. Without technology I could really test my eye. It wasn’t a matter of adjusting camera modes but of where objects were placed. Every shot looked more candid compared to my previous shots on digital cameras. Furthermore, I was excited to get photos developed. I felt like a child waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve.

This experiment has persuaded me to not save up for the latest and greatest camera, but to use equipment that my dear granny still finds hip. I prefer not knowing what is not beneath the LCD screen, and finding out in a pleasant, or unfortunate surprise.
-Laura Willis

Journey of Music


There is one universal constant that makes the world go round specifically. That is music. No matter what is going on, whatever situation develops you can bet there is a song for it. From Patsy Cline's "Crazy" to Justin Timberlake’s "Sexy Back" music is an expression of life at its most human. It is a journey into the fleeting moment, which is how I came upon this gentleman named Kevin "B.F." Burt. These days most popularity "in the biz" as they call it is very much who is wearing what (or not wearing) is very fickle with no concern with true artistry, causing the listener to have an experience that draws you in to listen to that track again and again. My first allegiance is to rock, second to techno and the third slot I save for musical theater just because I’m partial to bursting into song.

Rhythm and Blues has never been on my radar. Listening to his rendition of “Crazy Love” I felt like I had somehow been transported back to a simpler time and place. Afterward Mr. Burt handed me his card, very simply I might add "to make my job easier." That action couldn't have been further from the truth. For me, my job was that much harder; because there is only so much one can say about music that takes you along for the ride.

~Brittany Hall

Thursday, October 28, 2010

THE ONLY HALLOWEEN MOVIES YOU NEED TO SEE THIS WEEKEND

What's the best part about Halloween? Getting toothbrushes from your dentist neighbor? Realizing that every kid on the block has copied your Edward Cullen costume? The Exorcist chick getting a little too close to you in the haunted corn maze? Enough questions, the best part of Halloween is the excuse to watch completely graphic, twisted, psychotic horror movies, duh. Any other month besides October is just plain awkward to watch scary movies. (Who watches Paranormal Activity in February?) But everyone’s already seen every good scary movie out there, (You mean you haven’t seen Saw 3?) So in celebration for All Hallows Eve, I’ve accumulated the top five cheesiest scary movies to pop in the blue ray to get your terror on. Read on if you dare…

5. KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988): Everybody hates clowns. They are the opposite of Raymond. (Insert laugh track here) And the title of a killer clown from outer space shrieks out pure terror. But when you throw in atrocious special effects, cheesy 80’s soundtracks, and the dude who plays Dean Wormer in Animal House as the skeptic local Sherriff, killer klowns become kute and kuddily. While the title basically gives away the plot, just listen to the voice over in this trailer for everything you need to know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHXy8DpF5k0

4. HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982): Michael Myers is the epitome of Halloween. He is hands down the scariest bastard alive. His mask is an inside out William Shatner from Star Trek mask, that reeks of pure fear. He is the face of the Halloween franchise. So can someone please tell me what the hell the producers of Halloween 3 were thinking when they completely left poor Michael out of the third installment of the greatest Halloween movie series ever? Even when you take away the fact that Michael isn’t in the movie, you’re still left with the plot that revolves around children’s masks that possess kids to kill people. This movie would even make Michael cringe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tvVla5AHmA

3. THE GINGERDEAD MAN (2005): The-I mean-what? Gingerdead what? And did I just see Gary Busey shoot up a diner? Dude, just watch the trailer. (“What is it?” “Well it sure ain’t the #%$^& Pillsbury Doughboy!”)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsOtcEOkJ-I

2. LEPRECHAUN: IN THE HOOD (2000): It was hard to just choose one flick out of the Leprechaun series, but Leprechaun: In The Hood is just too much. Shout out to Ice-T, who probably got his role on Law & Order SVU just from keeping it together as his character Mack Daddy O'Nassas during filming. (Sidenote, if you loved Leprechaun: In The Hood, you’ll love Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood!) Here’s what should’ve been the trailer to this movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

1. Troll 2 (1990): Just because it features the single greatest climatic scene in cinematic history. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4

Evan Clark

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Finding Humor in a Realistic Nightmare


I have a newly found appreciation for the humor in the movie "Knocked Up."

Sitting at home, flipping through the channels during my break between classes, I stop
ped on a station playing "Knocked Up." I saw this movie in theaters and was repulsed by the concept of having a child with a stranger, and also, how realistic the portrayal of getting pregnant after a one-night stand is.

It is hard to tell what would be more frightening... finding out you are unexpectedly pregnant, or finding out that the guy who will be the father of your child is a jobless stoner without any motivation besides starting a porn website.

After I took a moment to step back and accept the movie for what it is supposed to be - funny, it was a lot easier for me to enjoy and separate it from reality.

The opposition in Alison and Ben's lives set up innumerable hilarious moments. The high-strung entertainment broadcaster, Alison, is constantly anxious, worried, and fearful of what will happen to her future and her baby's. Ben seems mostly concerned about how he will confront this situation like a man, despite his empty wallet and less than stellar resumé.

As a woman, it would seem that I would sympathize more for Alison in the film, which was true upon my first viewing. After watching it again, Ben's character is more likable than I ever considered. It would have been very easy for him to ditch Allison and leave her without any support in the situation. He actually deals with the opps! and helps Allison along the way.

For any haters out there, I recommend watching the film again. Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogan build a relationship with their acting and comedic abilities that make the film relatable, heartwarming, and more than anything - full of laughs.

But really, if you find yourself out to celebrate a promotion, or birthday, or pretty much anything worth celebrating, it might be smart to spare that last shot at the bars. It may be the difference between becoming a parent or maintaining a successful career.

A reminder of what you will find in "Knocked Up"

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My Childhood


Hide and Seeeek! Personally, I can’t remember the last time I played. Due to this poster I might have to give it some thought. With my life over run by things like 500 dollar bills and paying student loans. Methinks I am not the only person that needs to unwind and unleash my inner child. And it’s free. Due to the economy recently that has become one of my favorite words. Which got me thinking what other games do I have fond memories of could I play with complete strangers with abandon? I came up with this list:


1) Dodgeball

2) Red Rover

3) Tag

4) Heads Up, Seven Up

5) Hot Lava


~Brittany Hall

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Burger Dilemma

I’ll admit it...I am a foodie. I care more about what type of aoli (a fancy word for mayonnaise) is on my cheeseburger than most. In fact I would go so far to say that I am the “Alton Brown” of my family. On any given day on the week most often you’ll find me watching shows like Man VS Food, Iron Chef America or Barefoot Contessa thinking up ways to turn the contents of my college budget refrigerator into a meal that could cause Hubert Keller to bow down in worship the wake that is my culinary greatness.

So when on a trip home to Des Moines I discovered the existence of a hamburger named “The Luther” I had to check it out, just for my own geeky sanity. Supposedly it is named after the departed R & B star Luther Vandross consisting of a ¼ lb. hamburger patty between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a slice of cheddar cheese and strips of bacon. There is a version in Des Moines that you buy for 5 dollars at The Iowa Machine Shed. At a whopping 1,500 calories per burger, eating it could possibly induce a coma.Wanting my curiosity satisfied I performed the dreaded Google search and discovered even more; regional varieties including fried eggs and chocolate covered bacon. Among the results was also a cartoon series named "The Boondocks" by Aaron McGruder which features the now famous burger in an episode titled “The Itis.” (the video clip is hyper-linked to the title)

What is it about the discovery of hot new food items that causes it to be linked high calorie, high fat yet oh so delicious is taking this to the extreme. For those of you who don’t know 2000 calories is daily requirement for most human beings….DAILY. So imagine having 3 of these one for breakfast lunch and dinner...Whoa boy! I am all for trying new things but not if it causes a heart attack. I am a wimp that way, but at least I’ll be standing after all the eating is done.

-Brittany Hall

Not sure I could walk a day in their shoes...


10 Conclusions about the "Teen Mom" Finale:

1. As attractive as Macy's ex-fiance Ryan is, he is not the ideal model of a father. Her heartfelt tears at their appointment to set a schedule for Bentley showed how dedicated she is to her role as a mother. Thumbs up Macy!

2. Gary (Amber's ex-fiance) has earned brownie points in my book every episode this season. I am proud that he grew a pair and stood up to Amber about a schedule for taking care of Leah. Also, the way that he stays calm when Amber freaks out at him is beyond me. I would be tempted to smack that fake tan and eyeliner off of her face as soon as she opened her mouth.

3. Congrats on the weight loss Amber, but you are still trashy.

4. Farrah and her mom aren't fooling anyone with their lovey family hugfest at the end of the episode. Farrah is still a brat and her mom is still a judgmental head case. I guess some things just don't change.

5. Both of the new beaus on the show, Chris - Amber's ex-con boy toy, and Julien - Farrah's hairstyling hottie, are weirdos. Amber's selection doesn't surprise me, she probably loves that this guy told her he wanted to marry her on the first date (creepy). But Farrah, you act like the sun shines out of your you-know-what and you choose to go out with this guy who colored your dull roots. Weird.

6. Tyler and Catelynn may not be the most attractive individuals, but their offspring must have gotten the best of both gene pools. Carly is adorable.

7. Bentley wins best dressed "Teen Mom" tot. His Run DMC shirt was bomb. Classic vintage style for this little guy.

8. Does anyone else find it interesting that the only couple who is still together since the show's original air date is the couple (Tyler and Catelynn) that no longer has their child? My sympathy goes out to Farrah and I can't imagine losing someone you love, especially when you are having a child with him. Props go out to Macy for dumping a loser like Ryan, but she loses a couple points for moving her whole life just for a new boyfriend, like Kyle. Amber needs to be medicated for her psychotic episodes, grow up, and realize that Gary was a good guy for her (he might deserve better though.)

9. I wonder if Farrah knows what her face looks like when she cries. She is a pretty girl, but that face is quite frightening. She should try to warn people before the tears start to flow.

10. I can't believe I am going to admit this, but I was close to tears when Tyler and Catelynn gave Carly the storybook with the audio of their voices. The visit they had with their daughter showed individual maturity in both of them, as well as maturity as a couple. It is clear that they made the right choice to keep Carly out of their houses, which are tainted with cigarette smoke and drug addicts (and I'm not talking about Tyler and Catelynn.)



Tuesday, October 5, 2010

KARDIASH ARREST

Kardashian. What does that name mean to you? Around fifteen years ago, that name was partially responsible for one of the greatest atrocities our judicial system has ever allowed. Robert Kardashian was a member of the Monstar (Yes, that’s a Space Jam reference) legal defense team that OJ Simpson assembled for his case. A case so notorious, that even while it occurred at a period in my life where my deepest questions lied within choosing between Snack Packs or Dunkaroo’s (Dunkaroo’s till the day I die) to be included as dessert in my red Power Ranger lunchbox, I still couldn’t understand how a glove not fitting justified acquitting.

The point is that we should’ve seen this coming. Millions of American’s hearts sank as Robert passionately hugged his dearest friend on October 3rd, 1995, but we must’ve been so overwhelmed with OJ that we didn’t see who the real enemy was. The man who hatched the plan to marry a self indulgent money grubbing wannabe Milf, go onto conceive three completely oblivious and spoiled rotten whores, along with some dude who not only looks like but acts more useless than Vinny on the at least humorous Jersey Shore, and then completely brainwash over four million people every week for the past five years into getting sucked into the inescapable deathly black hole that is Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I only write about the Kardashians because of a recent phenomenon I’ve discovered. Every time I’m channel surfing, I normally come across the E! channel. (Which must stand for Excrement!) And every time I stumble across the E! channel, there happens to be a Kardashian marathon on! What I’ve found is that if you don’t change the channel within five seconds of being exposed to the Kardashians, you will then find yourself in a trance. Time will stand still as you zone out all of your surroundings and your brain will then inhabit the mindset of a Kardashian. When you inherit the mental state of a Kardashian, no thoughts or emotions will enter or leave your body. You feel nothing. You aren’t even aware of the fact that you are alive; let alone watching a television program. You become one of them. I call this experience Kardiash Arrest. To the non Kardashian viewer, Kardiash Arrest normally lasts for around a minute, till you snap back into reality, and ask yourself, “What the hell just happened?” But within that minute, you are totally powerless. It’s similar to the experiences of suspected alien abductees. You don’t recall what exactly has just taken place, only that you feel something isn’t right. You try to continue with your existence and everyday activities, but you know you’ll never be the same. Innocence is lost. The fact that you took a peek into the window of their lives will forever be with you. This is how it starts. Now that the seed is planted, the next time you are channel surfing and find yourself rollin’ on E! with the Kardashians, your time experienced in Kardiash Arrest will increase, and can multiply severely. Five years in the making, and millions of viewers later, the name Kardashian holds a special place within your subconscious. Your familiarity with their show will spark mixed emotions every time someone drops a K bomb. You could potentially even find yourself in a discussion of their recent trip to New Orleans that ended in heartbreak and tragedy, with a few laughs along the way. And that’s when you know you’ve reached the point of no return. Watching full episodes between studying, exploring the on demand button on your remote control for more juicy gossip, and just when you think you’ve injected the whole supply, you find yourself shooting up with the recent Khloe and Kourtney reality show spin off. It’s anything to get your fix at this point.

But I want to help. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to see any more of my fellow Americans hooked on this phase any longer. (Especially now that we’ve finally conquered that dreaded soccer phase again. Why don’t we make it every 12 years to really increase the excitement!) That’s why I’m taking one for the team. I’m going to engage in watching an entire episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, while analyzing every second and detail of whatever they endure. My hope is that by reading the utter insanity and insignificance that I will endure for the next half hour, you and millions like yourself will be spared of experiencing any of the Kardiash Arrest epidemic that has swept our beloved nation. As for me? I only pray that I find the strength to fight off my K.A. after this whole ordeal is done. God speed…

I’m currently flipping through the on demand menu, finally finding the Excrement! Section. Hmm, look at all the options we have. Girls Next Door? Nah, I’m not twelve and don’t have access to the internet. Holly’s World? As if the other two didn’t have enough personality. But I ignore my raging hormones and trot on. I’m clicking on the Kardashian menu and browsing through the episode titles. Let’s see, here’s what we have. “Weekend from Hell”?

“Kourtney arranges a special weekend trip to Santa Barbara to spend time with her sisters before her baby arrives. But when she’s left out of some activities, Kourtney question if she’ll ever be close with her sisters again. See the drama unfold!”

Oh I just may description from Mediacom! Who honestly as the job of writing a synopsis for the on demand menu of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Whoever they are, I see reminiscence of Hemmingway. The next one is titled “I Want Your Sex”… I guess I’ll check this one out.

“Khloe makes a “love tape” for her hubby Lamar…”

Ok, think I’m gonna take a rain check on that one. Here we go. “Blame the Alcohol”. It says that Kim is celebrating her 29th birthday, damn 29? That’s almost over the hill in E! years I thought. So they’re partying in Vegas, some drama unfolds, and some dude named Scott apparently gets belligerent during the b-day dinner, and I’m assuming Scott is some lazy pile that is willing to put up with the Kardashian who’s a 6 at best in order to milk that money machine. Oh who am I kidding, that guy probably has it made. The only problem is it’s 45 minutes long… Screw it, this is in the name of journalism.

The first advertisement for tonight’s episode is presented by Cesar, canine cuisine. Clearly the target audience shows us this show is recommended for people who are willing to spend 12 dollars a can for some sloshed up raw meat that could’ve came from Shrek’s swamp for a species that communicates by sniffing each other’s butts. This is going to be the longest 45 minutes ever.

OMG! It’s about to go down! They just showed a minute long preview of what were getting ourselves into tonight, and from what I’ve gathered (For some reason I feel I sound like a reporter for the Weather Channel who’s stationed right in Hurricane Katrina describing the destruction that is happening all around me to two white male and female anchors sitting in an air conditioned TV set, who are secretly hooking up.) Whoever this Scott guy is semi looks like Christian Bale, and proceeds to get extremely drunk and be huge jerk to everyone… Wait, maybe that was Christian Bale.

We start with Kim and some moron who apparently is the CEO of something out to a fancy dinner, where I can only imagine what it would be like for me to go on a date with Kim.

“So… How’s the food?”

“Oh my God Evan, it’s so good.”

“See Kim, I told you the Ahi tuna was to die for!”

“Haha, oh my God, you’re so right Evan.”

“Haha, yes Kim I am! Haha, ha, ha… So, who’s bigger? Ray Jay or Reggie?”

They start talking about her upcoming birthday, and cue the dramatic piano and steady close up as Kim gets real about some drama that was supposed to go down.

TEXTING TALLY: 1

I’m currently shaking my head. Kim explains to me that she doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday in Vegas because she has to, cough, ahem, work.

“But I have to work, I mean, come on.”

I see that Ryan Seacrest is an executive producer. He’s just always finding talent, that guy.

So do they all live in the same house? Kim just walks into her home and immediately starts yelling for her mother like a sixteen year old who totaled the beamer backing out of the garage. She goes to her mother’s room, where she asks her mother told someone she’s celebrating her birthday in Vegas. Here’s a God honest quote from the Botox wonder herself.

“Kim, you work 364 days a year? Don’t you think it’s time for a little break?”

Scratch that, she just one upped it in her one on one camera confession.

“Kim has been working hard, 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year.”

I’m at a loss for words.

“You’re not made of steel Kim!”

TEXTING TALLY: 2

Oh my God, Christian Bale! He’s shopping with Kourtney, whom after a quick camera confession, I now downgrade to a 5 at best. (Maybe she’s born with it, or maybe it’s way too much Maybelline)

Now the whole family is gathered in the kitchen, where they proceed to analyze a photo of Kim that is very revealing, and they engage in a family debate over the authenticity of Kim’s breasts and buttocks. Literally, every member of the Kardashian family is talking about Kim’s T&A for about twenty seconds. (TEXTING TALLY 3) Then the talking lip injection (Mz. Kardash) reveals to us that she recently got Kourtney’s boyfriend Bale a new job, because to put it frankly, Bale wasn’t doing diddly. Kourtney comments on how her mother is always too harsh for Bale, then the father says something completely useless, leading me to question what the hell this guy does again, prompting a quick Wikipedia search, finding he’s an Olympic athlete, then Khloe calls the group on speakerphone and swears at everyone for not paying attention to her, then they all start yelling at each other while Fake Vinny chills in the corner drinking a Sprite Zero, all leading up to…

You know what? I can’t do it. I’m only eight minutes into this odyssey and my head is nearly about to explode with more drama than a Tuesday night on TNT. Look at me, play by playing something more meaningless than a NFL preseason game. I’ve officially experienced Kardiash Arrest for eight minutes straight. But I’ve impressed myself. I was basically four dream layers down into conceiving the inception when I suddenly felt the kick that sprung me back to reality and minutes away from being in limbo forever. (So did you see it? OMG! What do you think! I think the dreidel doesn’t stop spinning!... I’m really banking that you’ve seen Inception) But maybe I survived for a reason. Maybe I’ve been chosen. I’ve been to hell and back. I am the One. I have been unplugged, and I need to warn you people. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you. (Cue badass Rage Against the Machine music… Matrix anyone? I need to cool it on the sci-fi movie references…)


-Evan Clark