Beef...it's what's for dinner.

there are a few beefs that have been going on within the media, and i'd like to address them.

beef numero uno: MEGHAN MCCAIN VS. LAURA INGRAHAM

this tiff began when Meghan McCain, senator John McCain's daughter, criticized the outrageously bitchy and coldhearted Ann Coulter (who thinks that all jews are awful because they aren't christians and should be "cleansed," and that the widows of 9/11 are too needy, and that they receiving too much money from the government). Coulter herself did not respond, which is somewhat strange because she always seems like a cougar who is always ready to pounce and always ready for some publicity. In her place, however, Laura Ingraham defended Coulter on her radio show (click here for the transcript) by mimicking Meghan by assuming a "valley girl" tone of voice and basically calling her a fat-ass. Meghan responded by writing on her blog and said she embraces her curves and that Laura can kiss her fat ass. She also went on the view yesterday:

i gotta say: i'm with meghan. while i disagree with her politics, i fully support her on this. attacking a person's weight instead of engaging in a (possibly) productive debate is a low blow, not to mention how such comments reinforce unrealistic expectations of how women are supposed to look. shame on you, ingraham.

beef numero dos: JOHN STEWART VS. JIM CRAMER

this one is a little more complicated because it involves money. I do not watch Jim Cramer's show, "Mad Money," but from what I understand it explains stocks and investments. With regard to the recent and complete collapse of our economy, John Stewart brought Cramer on his show and criticized Cramer for making himself out to be a "know-it-all" about money, and convincing the public into believing falsities about the economy and as a result, contributing to the downfall of our monetary system. see stewart's frustration here:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

part 2:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

i love stewart so much, so i'm in his corner here. for whatever reason, it seems like cramer's advice hasn't changed to reflect the poor state of our economy. as a result, it is almost like he's gotten too attached to being the "go-to guy," and enjoys what it feels like to be relied on for his opinion. i applaud stewart for calling cramer out on his mistakes. there are many, many people who are hurting in our country right now.

beef numero tres: DORA THE EXPLORER VS. DORA THE SKANK

this beef doesn't really have a right or wrong answer. mattel is releasing a new dora the explorer doll, where dora is a pre-teen. parents are really upset because apparently this pre-teen dora looks too much like a hussy. decide for yourself.

old dora:

new dora:

"P" is for how pissed I am right now

I have known about this for a while but i haven’t written about it because it upsets me too much. I’m only writing about it now because i had maybe 10 oatmeal cookies last night and i think writing about this would be a good way for me to punish myself.

Lauren Conrad (vomit) has written a book called L.A CANDY (vomit).

The synopsis reads, “Roberts can’t wait to start living it up. She may be in L.A. for an internship, but Jane plans to play as hard as she works and has enlisted her BFF Scarlett to join in the fun.” Unfortunately, the synopsis doesn’t say if Jane and Scarlett get herpes on their faces because that is what it’s going to take for me read this book.

There are so many things about this that bother me. First off, this is a horrifying misuse of trees. The fact that this is actually going to be a book makes me want to stop breathing as a way of apologizing to trees in general for this injustice. I don’t think we, in all the time that people and trees have coexisted, have ever done something so mean and so disrespectful as to have to KILL trees so we can print the words of Lauren Conrad on them.

Second, I am offended on behalf of writers everywhere that LAUREN FUCKING CONRAD has gotten a book deal (actually, the deal that she was given was for three “books”) when there are millions of true writers who work crappy jobs with crappy hours and crappy pay, and who have stopped buying food for themselves so they can afford to print copies of their manuscripts at Kinkos and afford postage to send them out. LAUREN CONRAD has been sitting in chez-lounges having conversations with her blackberry on speaker, talking about why the ocean is so cold or why kristen hates the fact that she (lauren) is friends with stephen. Come on people – GET ANGRY! This is a girl who got famous for doing nothing but eating Pinkberry frozen yogurt in front of a camera. At least Paris Hilton brought nightvision to the porn industry.

I’m also really pissed that people are going to read this. WE ARE IN A RECESSION, and the publisher of L.A. Candy thinks we are going to spend money to buy a book about a girl whose life is so comfy that she can afford to work for FREE (in her “internship”), who happens to be lucky enough to meet a television producer that begs to let cameras follow her because her life is just so incredibly fascinating? I’m so irritated that this publisher thinks it is smart enough to try and convince me that this book is worthy of my time and money and that i’m dumb enough to be fooled by their marketing team. It is truly an outrage.... if I had more oatmeal cookies i would eat them – that’s how upset i am about this.

What else can i say ? Oh, i abhor how this “book” probably wasn’t even Lauren or the publisher’s idea – it was probably the casual remark of someone within five feet of Lauren Conrad who wanted to be within one foot of her, so this idiot says, “omg. L.C. You have to write a book about your life! it’s so REAL! I’d totally read it.” And of course, LC calls this person over and makes him/her inflate her ego by convincing her that writing a book is the next logical step in her career that is based on reality. Then the next morning, L.C. calls her agent and proposes the idea to him, and he only agrees because L.C. is his most famous client and he’s dating a girl who happens to love L.C and he thinks that this new project with L.C. would get him laid.

The more I write about this, the more mad I’m getting. I think I’m just going to end this rant with a clip of Lauren Conrad getting dissed by David Letterman.

HA HA HE HE HA HA HO

I have several questions about Britney Spears' new video for "If You Seek Amy."

question numero uno: okay, so the beginning premise of the video isn't anything new to us - party runs late, people are sleeping off their vodka, clothes are scattered. i get that part. what i don't get is why britney would grab some random pair of panties on the floor and almost eat them. they aren't cheetos, cigarettes or vodka, so i don't understand why she would be touching them. and don't try and tell me that they must be her panties, because we all know she doesn't wear any.

question numero dos: why would britney not be able to leave the hotel without amy? does amy have the key to the home of chester the cheetah? we all know brit has a car and spokesbitches with cars too, so she doesn't need "to be taken home." also, the part where she sings, "i've seen her once or twice before, she knows my face," is baloney - EVERYBODY knows what brit brit looks like. (maybe i have more problems with the lyrics than the video itself.)

question numero tres: if she's so eager to get home, why would she break into a lame-ass dance outside the hotel? (nope, i have a problem with the video)

question numero cuatro: where was the choreographer during this video? britney just shakes her tatas, touches her arms, tosses her FAKE blonde hair around, swings her arms around in 90 degree angles, puts on a pair of stockings and we are supposed to believe she's dancing? no sir.

question numero cinco: why wasn't the end part (where britney is the waspy mom and wife who BAKES FOR SOMEONE ELSE) the original premise of the video? it would have made more sense. she's reformed and conservative on the outside and everyone criticizes her for being so "tightly wound," but everyone still wants to "if you see k" her. 

i will acknowledge that the song is catchy beyond catchy. but "womanizer" is a much better video because it has a logical concept and uses its 3 minutes wisely. this video doesn't do anything for us because it changes direction midway through. it seems to me like the director here is trying to show how he's going to cool parties in hotel rooms where nobody wears panties, one chick has gone missing and we're incredible losers because we weren't invited.

on a final note about the conservative britney at the end - it reminds me of that pepsi commercial she did that spans 50 years. that commercial reminded me of this pepsi commercial, where she's the britney that i love. and i'm a diet coke person!

i also loved that pepsi commercial with britney, beyonce and pink, even though britney was CLEARLY the weakest gladiator.

BOTH of these pepsi commercials are stellar. britney needs to look over her other videos and correct this "ef u see k ing" mistake.

Keeping up with the Kardashians

The all new season of Keeping up with the Kardashians premiers TONIGHT on E! at 9pm (central time).

The premise to this show is debatable. Some people might think it is to show how even famous people feel rivalry with their siblings, while others could argue it redirects our attention from our country's pervasive economic crisis to crises of how the televisions in the hotels in Cabo are too small, boyfriends who still text their exes, intoxicated "shoppers" who vandalize family-owned stores and the distribution of racy photos that were SUPPOSED TO BE a PRIVATE present for a BOYFRIEND.

But for me, the show revamps my spelling skills. After just one half hour of Kris, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney, I'm doing acrobatics with my phonetics (fo-knet-ex).
For all of you nonbelievers in the greatness (gr-eight-niss) that is this show, here are some bios, courtesy of the show's website.

Kim

AKA: The Bombshell
Age: 28Family Ties: Daughter of Kris Jenner and the late defense attorney Robert KardashianWhat's Her Deal? The most Googled woman in the world is tracked by journalists and paparazzi alike. She stars in films like Disaster Movie, appears on episodes of How I Met Your Mother, is launching her own fragrance and ShoeDazzle, an online shoe company. Her 2009 calendar sold out instantly, and her fashion and beauty blog site www.kimkardashian.com is the go-to site for fashionistas. She is currently filming a new workout DVD and is executive producing her first show, Crisis Control.

Kris

AKA: Momager and Scene-stealer

Age: 52

Family Ties: With ex-husband Robert Kardashian, mother of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Robert. With current husband Bruce Jenner, mother of Kendall and Kylie

What's Her Deal? She's just another Hollywood mom, trying to have it all, putting out publicity fires, scheduling appearances and cooking—when the chef's off, of course. What else? She manages Kim's, Khloe's and Kourtney's careers, owns a clothing boutique (Smooch), plays wife and manager to Bruce and mediates plenty of catfights. She is a correspondent for The Insider, covering breaking news and gossip.

AKA: Mr. Mom

Age: 59

Family Ties: Father to Brody, Kendall and Kylie, stepfather to the rest
What's His Deal? Olympic gold medalist, motivational speaker, sports commentator and commercial spokesman—that's the easy stuff. Now,

 he struggles for peace and quiet in the tempest created by Kris and his celebrity stepdaughters Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. What's a conservative Republican to do when his wife loves to party?

Khloe AKA: The Voice of Reason
Age: 23Family Ties: According to her, the wisest of Kim's sisters
What's Her Deal? Witty and sarcastic, her demeanor inevitably steals the show, coloring it with her entertaining dialogue and sometimes inappropriate behavior. An avid supporter of PETA, she participated in its highly popular I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur campaign. As a spokesperson for Crest, she frequently contributes to MSN.com and is a co-owner (with Kim and Kourtney) of the high-end women's boutique DASH in Calabasas, Calif. She'll also be seen this spring on the hit show Celebrity Apprentice. For more Khloe, check out her blogs on www.khloek.celebuzz.com/

Kourtney
AKA: The Unassuming Firecracker
Age: 29Family Ties: The petite older sister
What's Her Deal? Quiet and unassuming one minute, Kourtney might be dancing on the table the next, which has made her the new It girl of the moment. Focusing primarily on running her stores, Smooch and DASH, her exotic beauty is discovered in the new season. Kourtney's first magazine cover is the March issue of 944 and she is featured in the April issue of Maxim. Her personal website, where she will blog about fashion, beauty and her new passion, interior design, launches in March 2009.

Robert
AKA: Mr. Under the Radar Age: 22
Family Ties: The youngest Kardashian male, he's the son of Kris and RobertWhat's His Deal? Studious and limelight-shy, he's set to be an academic-minded professional like

 his dad. Robert will graduate from his father's alma mater, the University of Southern California, with a business degree this spring. But in his family's vortex of fame, this little brother may have to go along with Hollywood in order to get along with his sisters.

there are two other girls (kendall and kylie) but the bulk of the show's drama comes from these five. it is also worth mentioning that the show is produced by Ryan Seacrest (who has designated himself the "hardest working man in show business"). What say YOU, cyberkids?

The Internet Is Surrealism's Natural Habitat

(Via jameth.)

I'm With You On That One, Lisa

From the FAIL Blog:

Brit Brit's new tour!

I've been in a B.S. mood. Last night, I listened to her new album, Circus, for maybe two hours. Don't get me wrong, I think Britney is slightly psychotic (shaving her head, bashing an umbrella against a car window, letting her kids play with cigarettes, dropping her kids...shall I go on?) but I'll always turn in to her performances to see whether she's a hot mess or not. I feel bad for her in a way, because I feel like many of us enjoy criticizing her when she's clearly unhappy and in need of help. But at the same time, girl needs to learn how to control herself better. We share the same birthday, so I guess I'm always privately rooting for her. If I can afford it and depending on when she's in NYC, I would consider going to see her in concert.

Here is a sneak peek at a few of her rehearsals for her new tour. It appears as though she's wearing black nipple tassels, which I think are a tad inappropriate for a mother of two. But, I suppose wearing nipple tassels is a logical addition for a girl who "idolizes" Madonna. Also, it doesn't look like Brit is doing any radical dancing (or at least the kind that she could do before she birthed two kfeds). It seems like she's doing a lot of wiggling around, swerving, WALKING, and "praying" with her hands reaching towards the lights and begging for a cookie. I miss the days of the hardcore, hip hoppy, jazzy, stomach contracting moves. In her "stronger" video, girl works a cane AND a chair. In "oops...i did it again," she was quick and on point with movements that were robotic. she used to be able to execute each position with strength and pizazz in her dances. In the below video, her routines seem much more fluid and less determined or definitive. it's like she's making it up as she goes along...which in my book is a big, fat, DOWNGRADE. we want to see this momBritney become the oldBritney again, and that's why so many of us tune in to watch her perform...we YEARN for an oldBritney performance. oldBritney was the one with the rock hard abs, the strip teases, the kisses with Madonna, and the master of dancing with props. I think we are getting closer to seeing oldBritney again, because I read somewhere that the circus tour is planning on using lots of animals (elephants, lions, horses, etc) in the routines. BUT, oldBritney would never wear nipple tassels, and it looks like momBritney WEARS nipple tassels. Maybe this is a "two steps forward, one step back" kinda situation.

I'd Lick Him For Ten

     First off, I want to say how much I love Hannah Lawrence and her amazing blog skills. She rocks. So I'm going to piggy back (re: steal) on her last post and write my evaluation of Jimmy Fallon's first go at the "Late Night" desk. Everyone else is sharing their opinions, so why not me?

I'm so glad that Conan O'Brien did the show's cold open, because it's great to see him help Fallon out, and see that at least they're pretending there's no bad blood. Conan's a mensch. Plus, I'm a big fan of Conan doing the self-deprecating humor we all love. That's a big gesture from the only other person on the planet who has been in Fallon's situation. Plus, I miss Conan's face already.

The new "Late Night" intro, theme song, set, and bumpers all feel just a little too hip. Fallon appears to be trying way too hard to be distinct. Having The Roots as a house band is radical enough, but the whole thing feels like a classier version of "Last Call with Carson Daly." That's NOT good. I'd like to see a more traditional set design and maybe a more classic-sounding theme song, but that last request might be a waste of The Roots' talent, which would be a shame. The Roots are definitely the coolest house band on late night TV and I'd love to see ?uestlove emerge like Max Weinberg did on Conan's "Late Night." 

"Saturday Night Live" freaks like me recognize Steve Higgins from various sketches. He's a former writer/producer and I think a great choice as Fallon's announcer. Hopefully he'll get to demonstrate his sketch skills in a role similar to Conan's announcer Joel Godard's on "Late Night."

     Fallon's monologue was decent, but it wasn't great. I saw him perform stand-up live once, and it was pretty funny, but he isn't a natural like David Letterman or Chris Rock. He definitely has some kinks to work out with his writing staff, but Fallon's delivery was solid. "Slow Jam the News" was a funny bit, but as a "Late Night" diehard the bit felt a lot like a rip-off of Conan's recurring characters Sweet Tree and Morgan.

      "Lick it For Ten" is a cute idea, but it definitely felt way too Rosie O'Donnell and not nearly "Late Night" enough. I know Fallon will only succeed by putting his own stamp on the show, but if he's going to imitate someone, it shouldn't be a daytime hostess.

      There were a few flashes of promise during Fallon's interview with Robert DeNiro. Fallon, much like O'Brien before him, knows that a late night talk show host has to be an excellent ad-libber. Fallon isn't there yet, but he showed potential. If only his interviewing skills and storytelling were better, then we'd be in business.

Fallon suffered through some visible flop sweat. That's too bad, but it was humanizing.

Watching the Justin Timberlake interview, I couldn't help but wish he'd be Fallon's sidekick. They have great chemistry, but Justin's too busy kicking ass at everything he does (I'll forget The Love Guru out of respect). Also, I couldn't tell if "The Phone" was a skit or not. Seriously.

Justin Timberlake as John Mayer=Priceless.

Justin Timberlake as Michael McDonald=Frighteningly accurate and thus AMAZING.

The Timberlake segment made me realize that Fallon will only be successful as a late night host if he can make the show fun. The interview with Timberlake was the highlight of the show, by far. It's easy for Fallon to have fun with a guest as charismatic, popular, and talented as Timberlake. The key will be having that kind of fun with the Joaquin Phoenix's of the world.

Van Morrison is still a bad ass, and Astral Weeks is still amazing all these years later. I'm so glad he closed out Fallon's first show.

As I watched Fallon look at the wrong camera while wrapping up the show, I realized he still has a lot to learn. Critics are going to slay him, viewers are going to devour him, and there are going to be more bad shows than good for the first year. It's a steep learning curve with no guardrails, especially because of his name recognition and reputation. He almost has it harder than that lanky redheaded comedy writer who took over for Letterman 16 years ago. Yet he's got a good crew in place and his first show makes me want to root for him, and leads me to believe he'll one day succeed in the late night slot.

-Meryn, who will always have a special place in her heart devoted to men who host late night shows.

Tonight, tonight

Tonight will be Jimmy Fallon's first night as host of NBC's "Late Night." He is replacing my favorite red-headed, marionette-looking man, Conan "the cone-bone" O'Brien, who has moved to LA to replace Jay Leno on "The Tonight Show."

Fallon reported to the NY Times that he's super-duper nervous, even when he received the gift of a plastic pickle from O'Brien, welcoming him as the next host. O'Brien received the plastic pickle from Letterman in 1993, and has now bestowed the ornament to the newbie.

Tonight's guest list on the show includes Robert De Niro, Justin Timberlake (who isn't singing) and Van Morrison (who is singing).

Even though he was chosen as the next host of "Late Night" in May of last year, Fallon has been gearing up for the gig by maintaining a video blog, in which he gives viewers a peek at what goes on behind the scenes at an NBC show.

Personally, I find Fallon adorable. He's always slightly uncomfortable with himself, which I find totally endearing. I was a huge fan of cone-bone, so I'm definitely anxious to see how Fallon will do.

Fallon receiving the big pickle:


and this oldie but goodie of De Niro and Fallon on SNL: