Saturday, March 14, 2009

"P" is for how pissed I am right now

I have known about this for a while but i haven’t written about it because it upsets me too much. I’m only writing about it now because i had maybe 10 oatmeal cookies last night and i think writing about this would be a good way for me to punish myself.

Lauren Conrad (vomit) has written a book called L.A CANDY (vomit).

The synopsis reads, “Roberts can’t wait to start living it up. She may be in L.A. for an internship, but Jane plans to play as hard as she works and has enlisted her BFF Scarlett to join in the fun.” Unfortunately, the synopsis doesn’t say if Jane and Scarlett get herpes on their faces because that is what it’s going to take for me read this book.

There are so many things about this that bother me. First off, this is a horrifying misuse of trees. The fact that this is actually going to be a book makes me want to stop breathing as a way of apologizing to trees in general for this injustice. I don’t think we, in all the time that people and trees have coexisted, have ever done something so mean and so disrespectful as to have to KILL trees so we can print the words of Lauren Conrad on them.

Second, I am offended on behalf of writers everywhere that LAUREN FUCKING CONRAD has gotten a book deal (actually, the deal that she was given was for three “books”) when there are millions of true writers who work crappy jobs with crappy hours and crappy pay, and who have stopped buying food for themselves so they can afford to print copies of their manuscripts at Kinkos and afford postage to send them out. LAUREN CONRAD has been sitting in chez-lounges having conversations with her blackberry on speaker, talking about why the ocean is so cold or why kristen hates the fact that she (lauren) is friends with stephen. Come on people – GET ANGRY! This is a girl who got famous for doing nothing but eating Pinkberry frozen yogurt in front of a camera. At least Paris Hilton brought nightvision to the porn industry.

I’m also really pissed that people are going to read this. WE ARE IN A RECESSION, and the publisher of L.A. Candy thinks we are going to spend money to buy a book about a girl whose life is so comfy that she can afford to work for FREE (in her “internship”), who happens to be lucky enough to meet a television producer that begs to let cameras follow her because her life is just so incredibly fascinating? I’m so irritated that this publisher thinks it is smart enough to try and convince me that this book is worthy of my time and money and that i’m dumb enough to be fooled by their marketing team. It is truly an outrage.... if I had more oatmeal cookies i would eat them – that’s how upset i am about this.

What else can i say ? Oh, i abhor how this “book” probably wasn’t even Lauren or the publisher’s idea – it was probably the casual remark of someone within five feet of Lauren Conrad who wanted to be within one foot of her, so this idiot says, “omg. L.C. You have to write a book about your life! it’s so REAL! I’d totally read it.” And of course, LC calls this person over and makes him/her inflate her ego by convincing her that writing a book is the next logical step in her career that is based on reality. Then the next morning, L.C. calls her agent and proposes the idea to him, and he only agrees because L.C. is his most famous client and he’s dating a girl who happens to love L.C and he thinks that this new project with L.C. would get him laid.

The more I write about this, the more mad I’m getting. I think I’m just going to end this rant with a clip of Lauren Conrad getting dissed by David Letterman.

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