Sunday, September 13, 2009


In which your intrepid reporter, Tommy Morgan Jr., watches and recaps the ridiculousness that is the MTV Video Music Awards for your pleasure and amusement.

6:30: The VMAs don't start for another hour and a half, but I'm ready to go. Blog is ready, and I've got my MTV-approved VMAs cheat sheet, a healthy sense of sarcasm, and no respect for the sanctity of my weekends. I've even gone through the trouble of purposely disheveling my hair Russell Brand-style*. Let's do this.

6:39: I've come to realize that Blogger is not LiveBlog friendly. Looks like I'm going to have to manually load the post each time I want to update. Get on this, Google.

6:50: With details about Lady GaGa's VMA performance "on super-duper secret lockdown" according to MTV, I'm expecting, and really really really hoping for, a meltdown rivaling that of Britney's performance two years ago. A man can dream, can't he?

Let's review every cringe inducing moment:

Ah...painful. And yet somehow glorious. It's Britney, bitch!

-Also, nominees here. With the possible exception of Eminem, I'm pretty sure all of the Video of the Year nominess are robots. Just sayin'.

7:05: Wow. A Michael Phelps hash joke. Glad I'm listening to the pre-show from the other room instead of watching it. If that's what I hear, I don't want to know what I'd see.

7:13: P!nk rides in on a fire truck, and Lady GaGa wears the absolute ugliest, most godawful, your-mother-can't-even-love-you-after-wearing-that monstrosity of a--I don't even want to call it an outfit, so--thing I've ever laid eyes on. Should have stayed in the other room. I think I'm going to go return DVDs now.

7:30 DVDs returned--without an extra day of Redbox fees!--snacks acquired, 15 minutes of pre-show dodged. Thanks to the Kum and Go on the Burlington/Gilbert corner for making dreams come true.

7:50: Ten minutes until go time. Time to move this operation into the living room and actually watch. Goodbye, eyes, I knew you well.

7:58: Sneaking MTV. Trying to give out an award behind my back. The Beastie Boys win the "Video that Wasn't Good Enough to Win the First Time Around." No one cares, not even the Beasties.

8:00: Is Madonna still relevant? I mean, outside of her job as the host of Tales from the Crypt. (Sorry, Louis)

8:03: How many people actually care about Madonna's play-date with Michael Jackson?

8:05: Already looking forward to the Emmys next week. If only NPH were here to save us now.

Pictured: NPH showing us the red zone belonging to Madonna and Lady GaGa on the Hot/Crazy scale.

8:13: All told, that was a really good tribute. Like, I have nothing bad to say about it good. Except for the part with Janet Jackson where she did whatever the hell you call that was.**

8:15: I always wondered if Joe Perry and Katy Perry were related. Turns out they're still not.

8:20: Russell Brand: the next Betty Friedan? Nope, just trying to get in Lady GaGa's pants.

8:22: It's betting time. Which will happen more: references to Lady GaGa's bisexuality, or Russell Brand's erection? The over/under on each is 12.

8:24: Taylor Swift wins Best Female Video. Probably because she was the only one who made an actual video, as opposed to danced like a Cyborg (Beyonce).
-And Kanye West ruins her acceptance to get more of the spotlight for himself, under the guise of claiming that Beyonce was cheated. Kanye, that video kind of sucked. Sorry.
-Oh well. Good to know that the VMAs are getting awkward early. That means it will only go downhill from here.

8:33: Russell Brand: always there to defeat awkwardness with innuendo. I love it.
-And we have our first plug of the night. Remember when Jack Black used to be funny?

8:39: Still pretty certain that Green Day stole that hook from Mott the Hoople.
-Also pretty sure that Miranda Cosgrove is a liar. That feed isn't live. Taylor Swift isn't crying and asking her bodyguards to beat up Kanye West.
-Gonna stop blogging for a quick few minutes, unless something absurd happens. I'm not trying to write War and Peace here, but I might if I continue at this pace.

8:41: One more quick note re: this Taylor Swift performance. I'm still calling taped.

8:51: Lady Gaga looks crazy. Not hot crazy, like she's going for, but crazy like she's going to eat my soul through the television. For reference, think this:
only blonde.

8:54: The whole blood thing wasn't cool, or crazy, or even interesting . Just overplayed and dumb. As such, it will probably be considered the top highlight of the whole show. I know she was trying to make that point, and I understand what that point was, but it was still stupid.

9:02: ...and Russell Brand makes a joke about roofie-ing Megan Fox. Not smooth. Not smooth.

9:03 One hour. Three awards. Oscars, eat your heart out.
-As someone who follows the same scene that Cobra Starship's music supposedly belongs to, I'm glad people are starting to recognize it as pop, and not rock. I loved the Movielife, but this particular Gabe Saporta project is nothing more than modern day Huey Louis. Maybe Ray Parker, Jr. steal one of their songs and turn it into a movie theme, too.
-Where's Kanye West to claim Beyonce got screwed on that one? I mean, the award went to Britney Spears, so everyone did, but I don't see him complaining now.

9:06: Best way to make it known your guitar playing adds nothing to the music: use a wireless mic and hold it in your hand for most of the performance while your guitar just hangs there.. See Armstrong, Billy Joe.

9:11: Award for best video made with Rock Band: The World's Lonliest Moonman.

That's right: I'm bringing it back.

9:16: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG NEW MOON!!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!!!!!wtfrofl!!!!!

9:20: Hmm. New Moon doesn't look as shitty as the first one. Granted, that's like comparing Dude, Where's My Car? to Ishtar, but still.***

9:23: I have to give Beyonce props for not even trying to mouth along to the track. Keeps the lip-syncing claims to a minimum when you don't even bother to lip-sync.
-Also, advance to props to anyone who can explain that stupid fucking thing Beyonce wears on her wrist. Is it a leftover piece of armor from Lord of the Rings?

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

9:26: I was going to include a relevant video here, but I think the world needs to see this more (and it's actually vaguely relevant, and a damn catchy song).

I'm not sure that even Joe Jonas will be able to keep a girlfriend after that.****

9:31: This crowd now reacts to Kanye's name like the words "health care" at a town hall meeting. Love it.

9:33: I was hoping for a live feed where T.I. accepts the award from jail. Would have made my night, and made MTV's less of a train wreck.

9:40: I have nothing witty to say. Muse is fucking awesome. Even Stephanie Meyer can't make me hate them.

9:41: I'm going to take this commercial break to say one thing: If Asher Roth ever wins anything, from anyone, ever, the world has no soul.

9:48: This whole night might have been worth it just to see The All-American Rejects' Tyson Ritter doing his best "Soy Bomb" impression.
not pictured: dignity, self-respect

9:59: Lady GaGa arguable deserved that award. This doesn't change the fact that her outfits are ungodly ugly. She doesn't look fashionable, she looks like a fucking idiot.

10:01: And now P!ink (I refuse to spell it any other way--she needs to live with her shame) is doing it too. Is blind "in" all of the sudden? Also, you cannot pull off the Lil' Kim outfit, honey. Sorry. The acrobatics are decent, though.

10:13: I still don't like him, but Kanye now has a point. How does Beyonce's video win Best Video and not Best Female video? This confuses me. (sidenote: Lady GaGa is wearing a bird's nest. A fucking bird's nest. On. Her. Face.)

-And Beyonce essentially tells Kanye to go fuck himself by having Taylor Swift come out on stage to give her speech. Good for Beyonce, but, sadly, I'm now forced to guess that this was at least partly staged.

10:16: How to tell your award show sucks. You give out the biggest award, and there's 15 minutes of stuff left.

10:26: Jay-Z turns in the best performance of the night, only to have it ruined by them again removing all appearances of actual performance when Alicia Keys stops playing piano to join him on stage, while the piano still plays on.

10:28: Pretty sure "This Is It," despite coming out late, will be the highest grossing movie in America this year. I'm calling it now.

10:30: How did this thing last 2 1/2 hours? They gave out maybe five awards.*****

10:37: Okay, I'm out. It's time to sort out my hate/casual indifference relationship with Lady GaGa. This one might take therapy. Then again, watching the VMAs always does.


-Tommy Morgan Jr.

Notes, footnotes, and general ennui:
* - Read: I took a nap.
** - I call it the "2007 Britney Spears"
*** - In other news, Robert Pattinson still looks constantly stoned, and I continue to have a completely inexplicable attraction to Kristen Stewart. Maybe it's that dead look in her eyes. It makes me all a twitter.
**** - Actually, he probably will. Beautiful bastard.
***** - Okay, seven.

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