Evening ladies and gents, it's Grammy time. Your dear and devoted reporters Brian Dau (BD) and Melea Andrys (MA) will be with you throughout the night, providing you with our snarky perspective on the music industry's finest. First up, news from E's red carpet coverage.
BD - 6:30 - As a journalist, it's physically painful to watch Ryan Seacrest interact with other human beings. Whoever decided he needed to be let out of his cage from the set of American Idol made a huge mistake.
MA - If I could kill one person tonight, it would be Ryan Seacrest.
BD - 6:43 - M.I.A. shows up smuggling seven watermelons past red carpet security. She claims pregnancy, but I'm not buying.
BD - 6:51 - Quincy Jones: "I remember in 1958 when..." Ryan Seacrest: "ZZZZZZZZZZ...."
BD - 6:55 - Hole in the Wall is on Fox!!! What were we watching?
BD - 6:59 - Mercifully, Hole in the Wall is over just in time to switch to CBS for the show proper. It's about to get real.
7:01 - Opening Performance by U2:
MA: Is that Kanye?
BD: Nope, it's U2. Sorry to disappoint.
MA: Note: I'm wearing a shirt designed by Bono, with all the proceeds going to cure AIDS. I got it on clearance for $4 (originally 40).
BD: You're a terrible person.
MA: No, I'm just a smart shopper.
7:05 - Best R&B album, introduced by Ms. Whitney Houston:
MA: Holy shit! Is that Whitney Houston? Shouldn't she be in rehab? Shouldn't Bobby Brown be hitting her?
...oh my god she's high as shit!
BD: Trainwreck aside, if Raphael Saadiq doesn't win I'm cutting someone.
7:07 - Jennifer Hudson wins:
BD: ...and we're one for one on disappointments tonight. But I'm not going to say too much about this one because I'm not that much of a jerk.
MA: I will. Her album was not good. At all. Poor decision. That's it.
7:08 - Dwayne Johnson's opening:
MA: The Rock can spell! Who knew?
7:11 - First performance, Justin Timberlake & Al Green & Boyz II Men:
BD: "Take Me to the River?" Is that the track the singing bass sings?
BD: Love it!
MA: Look at this impromptu performance. They're just karaoke-ing together.
7:21 - Performance, Coldplay (with Jay-Z):
MA: Is that Kanye?!?!?
BD: Well, Coldplay's on, so feel free to go make a sandwich or something.
MA: I predict Coldplay will sweep tonight.
BD: Sweep the Suck Awards in every category I just made up in my head!
MA: You know how I know you're gay?
BD: Because you listen to Coldplay?
7:28 - Yet Another Performance, Carrie Underwood:
MA: She looks hot tonight. Too bad she can't sing.
BD: I have nothing to add to that.
MA: Carrie Underwood's guitarist is a smokin' hot babe-fox. I'd fuck her in a heartbeat.
MA: I don't think country music should be included in the Grammys. They have the Country Music Awards already, they should be segregated.
BD: You know, if you replace "Country Music Awards" with "Source Awards," you sound like a total racist.
MA: Alternative name for the Grammys: "Waiting for Kanye"
7:37 - Highlight of the evening thus far is a commercial:
7:41 - Song of the Year (Coldplay wins):
MA: Look at them! They look like a raggedy Sergeant Pepper's.
BD: They just admitted to it!
MA: Paul seems alright with it. I love Paul.
7:44 - Kid Rock performs a medley of crap:
BD: Go ahead and make yourself another sandwich or something. Do you have the remote? Is this gonna last a while?
7:54 - Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift perform (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVERRRRR!!!):
BD: Is this from High School Musical?
MA: Miley Cyrus can't sing worth a shit. I'd rather listen to just Taylor Swift, and that's saying something. Also, it looks like a Miley was involved in some kind of sequin-related accident.
BD: With any luck, this will be the first and last time they ever perform together.
8:01 - Jennifer Hudson performs:
MA: Jennifer Hudson looks gorgeous. I wish she was singing a better song...Are those elephants on her ears?
BD: No, they're those sticky hands you buy for 25 cents out of vending machines and throw against a wall for 5 minutes until you get bored.
8:10 - The JoBros and Stevie wonder perform:
BD: I can't speak about this. It makes my heart hurt. I bet they told Stevie he's performing with, you know, somebody talented before they sent him onstage.
BD: Oh my, now a gang of young white boys are accosting that old man.
MA: I want to rip that scarf off that JoBro's neck.
BD: The longer this song goes on, the more I lose the will to live.
8:23 - Katy Perry performs:
MA: She really just should have lip-synched. But she does look good, and the set's hot.
MA: The Jonas Brothers were underwhelmed by that performance.
8:27 - Kanye and Estelle perform:
MA: It's KANYE!!!! (incomprehensible screaming)
MA: I'm not sure why she's wearing a potato sack, though.
BD: Good music! Yes! We're only an hour and a half in.
Don't worry guys, I'll save this show!
8:50 - M.I.A.'s baby opens for four rappers:
MA: Look at these badasses. More Kanye!
BD: We might as well stop watching. Nothing's topping this. M.I.A. is holding off labor just to perform! Her dance move is something I like to call the "hump your baby's head."
9:00 - Paul McCartney performs with Animal (Dave Grohl) on drums:
BD: Following Sir McCartney's performance, Melea slipped into a euphoria-induced coma. So I think we might have to call it a night here. Enjoy the rest of the show, suckers!