Monday, February 9, 2009

I Wouldn't Touch Bret Michaels With a Thirty-Nine-and-a-Half-Foot Pole

It’s no secret that I fucking love VH1 reality shows- especially the Rock of Love franchise. Sure, Bret Michaels’ dating show may set women back 25 years, but it’s damn good entertainment to see some drunken skank take a shot of Slippery Nipple out of another girl’s snatch (see Rock of Love Bus, episode 1).

In the March 2009 issue of Blender Magazine, Mark Yarm reports on the secrets of Bret’s sordid lifestyle, proving once and for all that the Poison front man is more disgusting than Kid Rock, Courtney Love, and Axl Rose combined.

Here are some highlights:

Bret lives in a Spanish-traditional home in Scottsdale, Arizona with one of his two daughters (named "Jorja") and former girlfriend Kristi Gibson. He’s lived with Gibson throughout all three seasons of Rock of Love, and their relationship status via Facebook is listed as “It’s Complicated.” Die-hard Rock of Love fans (me) might remember a time where Season 2 runner-up Daisy de la Hoya was chastised for "not being there for Bret" because she still lived with her ex-boyfriend. I smell hypocrisy.

Bret claims he had a not three, not four, but FIVEsome with some chicks at a truck stop in Iowa! From now on, when someone asks me where I'm from, I'll proudly say "the state where Bret Michaels got it on in a truck stop." Who wants to bet it was the Iowa 80?

Mark your calendar! Bret’s autobiography, Between a Rose and a Thorn, comes out in April of this year. And guess what? It’s going to be full of “lots of good, juicy, funny, sexual, crazy groupie stories.” Awesome! Here’s to hoping that the book will also contain a tiny electronic device that plays the acoustic version of “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” on loop.

Bret lost his virginity at 15 to a “thicker” girl at a fish hatchery. He describes the romantic liaison thusly: “…it was quick. ‘Two-pump chump’ would be an overstatement!”

And the million dollar question……

Question: You’ve admitted that you wear “the finest [hair] extensions Europe has to offer.” Isn’t that a fancy way of saying you wear a wig?

Bret’s Answer: No. I have hair, but it’s not as long as I’d like it to be. I have baby-fine hair, slightly receding in the front, but not bald. Actually, they’re not called extensions anymore- they’re “individuals.” They tie in to each of your hairs. If it ever comes to a point where I need to do something about it- meaning get hair plugs- I will.

Dear Bret-

That time is now.


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