MARCH MADNESS OF HATING

SUP PIZZA PEOPLE. jarrett here with another positive blog post. not. if i have to get stuck home for spring break in Glen Ellyn, Illinois, where it is currently SNOWING i am going to bring the pain in this blog post. You might remember "Let's Not Shit Ourselves: A Haters guide to 2007" from a few months ago, which is just enough time to grow a new crop of annoyances. I am going to arrange them in a 8-"team" tournament format of what sucks more, in honor of march madness basketball. Lets do this.
#4 Seed: Drake Bell
This kid sucks so bad. This picture was probably his idea. I was mildly annoyed by his show with his rotund comic sidekick "Josh", but I figured that he would quickly fade into obscurity and I would never have to see his stupid Flowbee-created haircut again. WRONG. I saw him on Conan last night, attempting a style that could only be construed as taking James McAvoy, Shia LeBouf, Tobey McGuire, and Ryan Gosling a.k.a all young actors who are taken seriously by the industry, and stealing their looks. He looked like an absolute idiot. I tried to find the picture but you'll have to take my word for it.
SUCK.
VS.
#5 Seed: Stuff White People Like (Blog)
I may have chuckled a few times at this blog in the past, but then I found out it was made by an actual whitey. Here is probably #1 on the list of what white people like: "Thinking they have an elevated consciousness where they transcend the un-hip, unfortunate trappings that most white people fall into, and that they are the ones entitled to make such edgy observations". EXPOSED.

Winner: DRAKE BELL

#3 Seed: UNREQUITED LOVE

Example: Charlie Brown never got the time of day from the little red-haired girl, thus was forced to hang out with debbie downer Linus.

Unrequited love is a thorn in everybody's side all year wrong, but it's even more painful once spring rolls around. ANGUISH.

VS.

#6 Seed: REAL WORLD ROAD RULES THE GAUNTLET/INFERNO/PURGATORY/ ETC. ETC.

I don't see why people still watch these challenges. They've been on for over four years. It was fun at first to see the cross-over of our "beloved" housemates, but the novelty has worn off completley. Now the contestants weren't even on any of the real programs, but instead you get "Timmy from the gauntlet II"! HES SUCH A HARDBODY!!!! These people have been milking this shit for fame and college bar tours for years. I hope a horrible accident results from one of their needlessly complex bungee jump challenges.

Winner: Real World Road Rules! WHAT AN UPSET

#2 Seed: INDIE ROCK BANDS THAT TRY TO STEAL ARCADE FIRE'S "LOVING COLLECTIVE OF MUSICIANS AND FRIENDS" STEEZ


Cough: Ra Ra Riot. you treat your female string players like a loving sister on stage, but i know you look at their boobs when they aren't looking backstage.

VS.

#7 Seed: Facebook Bumper Stickers

Self Explanatory. I had the hots for this one girl in my class until i saw how obnoxious her bumper stickers were. Actually i still do. but, If you hang out with girls who find the phrase 'party like your vagina is on fire' funny, Dr. Tounge will deny you an appointment.

WINNER: FACEBOOK BUMPER STICKERS: ANOTHER UPSET!!!!!

#1 SEED: CHICAGO HIPSTER HIP HOP I.E "FRESHER THAN THOU": THE COOL KIDS, FLOSSTRADAUMUS, KID SISTER
wait, didn't i see you dudes when i was at john's grocery? sick macbook.

(First off disclaimer: People might say, jarrett, you look like a hipster. WRONG. I LIKE PEARL JAM and have seen them live twice. that is the end, all be all, band that hipsters would never admit liking. the end.)
This scene is alive and well in iowa city as well. Hipsters are smart as hell, i'll give that to them. How do you create a buzz-tastic career when you have no talent as a rapper or producer? I know...this minimalist beat isn't shitty...it's just totally FRESH and RETRO 80s!!! I'm a shitty rapper...but my slow and uncreative flow..is..uh...FRESH...and..THROWBACK! yeah that's it. Throw on some fresh clothes (i aint hatin on those) and you're packaged and ready to play pitchfork. If jazz greats hate on wynton marsalis for killing the spirit of jazz by reverting to only the past, hip hop heads should be pointing their targets at these cats. Hip hop is all about respecting the past, but the genre is dying in terms of creativity, and it's your duty to push it towards the future.

VS.

#8 SEED: NICK CANNON

he sucks

WINNER: CHICAGO HIPSTER HIP HOP!!

2nd ROUND: #6) REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGE vs. #7)FACEBOOK BUMPERSTICKERS:

WINNER: #6)REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGE

#1) CHICAGO HIPSTER HIP HOP v. #4) DRAKE BELL

WINNER: HUGE UPSET!!!! #4) DRAKE BELL!!!!!

CHAMPIONSHIP: CINDERELLA STORY!!! #6) REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGE VS. #4) DRAKE BELL

THE WINNER OF THE MARCH MADNESS OF SUCK IS DRAKE BELL!!!!!!!!!!