It's Britney, and she's a bitch.

Ohmigod. Britney Spears is back.

At first, I wasn't convinced that the queen of teen pop was really making a full fledged return - that is, until I stumbled upon her newest vid and realized she's really just a fake feminist wannabe. Isn't that the only qualification to be "in" these days? It works for Palin. God I'm harsh.

But really, I can break this down for you. (Ghetto talk — shout out to Ann...and also to all the 3rd graders at Wasilla Elementary, wassup?)

For starters, the video and it's track — from her "best work ever" Circus album coming next month — share the same title: "Womanizer." Who can blame her? The poor girl is arguably womanized more than any other pop culture figure from her day. But now she's got the baby, her baby's daddy, her own crazy suing daddy, and a slutty little sis (with another baby, and a baby daddy, and aforementioned crazy suing daddy) to worry about out. So it seems that taking the time to think out what message she's conveying with the video is out of the question.

Ultra-feminists, stop reading now.

The video (below) opens with a fully nude Spears in a steamy sauna, gently caressing her sweaty/oily skin. (SPOILER: From this point on, the title "Womanizer" becomes a tongue-in-cheek joke.) We cut straight from the sauna birthday suit to a bath-robed Brit serving a man (clad in only his boxer briefs, just like a normal man, right?) breakfast. Ah, this must be the womanizer!

For the rest of the video, Britney's slew of costume changes — an office secretary with a Katie Holmes bob, a redheaded leather-sporting waitress, and a suit-and-tie chauffeur — serve as vehicles for the former Disney star to taunt, tease, and virtually tantalize the "womanizer."

But don't worry — it's not that bad. See, when he tries to grab her badonkadonk, she pushes his hands away. And then shakes her ass in his face and whispers in his ear while he sits on an office chair. In the waitress bit, she corners him in the kitchen, straddling him on top of a now unsanitary prep table, seductively eating a cherry and tongue-tying the stem. And, of course, when he's caught taking a picture on his camera phone of Britney voluntarily Xeroxing her derriere, she pushes him against the wall with her black heel, then pulls him by his tie, pinning him on the copier.

The lyrics are a blog post in themselves. For 75 percent of the video, Britney chants "Womanizer, womanizer, you're a womanizer" while dancing on, over, and around said womanizer. Creativity was never her forte.

After watching the video six times, I'm still baffled. While Britney is trying (really, she's trying) to empower herself and not take any shit from this "womanizer" of a man, she becomes a female roué herself. That womanizer is learning his lesson, and Britney's assuring ladies everywhere that it's not okay for your man to womanize you — but you can be as leud of a man-izer as you want to be.

The whole fully nude, sexy secretary, and, oh, shower scenes, don't really help your case either, Brit. Thank goodness you've put your man in his place for womanizing you! ...and then acting like a full-on seductive skank. You've certainly deterred any teenage boy looking for an alternative to porn from using your video for arousal. Was that too far?

On that note though, I've got to admit that — while it's skanky and degrading — Britney looks great. Like most guys who grew up with the then-wholesome Britney, she's still got that allure that forced me to buy J-14 just for her picture. She lost 10 pounds for the video by teetotaling (that means no alcohol, a wildly unsuccessful diet plan for the UI sorority system) and even does this incredibly adorable grin in a few of the sauna scenes that would be the cutest fucking thing ever if she wasn't suggestively massaging her chest and thighs.

In the end, Britney just wants us to know she doesn't like being womanized. Okay, the "forgot to wear panites to the bar" excuse? Maybe. But this time, it seems as though she's asking for it.

Check out the video for yourself:



— Brian Stewart