Sunday, November 30, 2008

Bitch is the new Britney

It's Meryn, bitch. And I'm here to live blog the premiere of Ms. Spears' comebackumentary "Britney: For the Record." Let's snark away, kids....

9:02 p.m. The title track from Britney's latest album is kind of a jam.
9:02 Father and custodian Jamie Spears "makes his baby some cheesy grits." Yeah, the Spearses are every bit as southern-fried as the media portrays them to be.
9:05 p.m. Britney gives a spiel about "good," "great," and "OK" performances, which really serves as a shadow mea culpa for her God awful VMA performance in 2007, though she doesn't explicitly mention it.
9:06 p.m. Brit-Brit is ALREADY crying. Even the folks on "Intervention" wait until at least fifteen minutes in to let the tears flow. This is going to be drainin' y'all...
9:09 p.m. Britney says she'd "be dead without dancing." Yeah, I can add a few others to that list of things keeping Britney alive, but now is no time for me to speculate...
9:10 p.m. Britney opens up about JT. I'm lovin' it. And she looks really good now. Now she's slipping into "parody-Britney" and it's feeling a little faux...
9:12 p.m. Demarchelier! Seriously? Lucky bitch.
9:13 p.m. Britney is explaining a video concept and she sounds like her Kentwood-self, talking slow and getting in to it. I can't tell if her drawl is adorable or sounds a little like someone who is intellectually-deficient...
9:14 p.m. I don't know, but Brit-Brit is talking about how much her music is a reflection of what she's going through, and I can't help but wonder if that's true for people who don't write most of their own songs...
9:15 p.m. Britney and Dave Grohl, both singers who record while chewing gum.
9:16 p.m. Britney asks, "Is that the end?" while recording a track, clearly taking a note from Janet Jackson circa Rhythm Nation 1814.
9:17 p.m. Yes Britney, people do shave their heads all the time. But YOU don't. Is she having trouble seeing the distinction? And most people don't have paparazzi looking on as they shorn their locks.
9:18 p.m. Britney looks like her Oops I Did It Again self. Props.
9:20 p.m. Britney's talking about how spiritual her dancing is and how certain movements are cathartic and emotional, but why must they show her grinding on other people and fondling herself as she says this? It makes her argument harder to believe.
9:21 p.m. I find myself rooting for Britney, even though my better angels are telling me not to. Or maybe it's my demons. Either way, this documentary is Britney's Triumph of the Will.
9:23 p.m. I appreciate Brit-Brit's candor about how much she enjoys being famous at times. Though I wish she'd stop conducting business in her childlike voice. Like Jan Hooks says, "You're a grown woman, use your lower register!"
9:25 p.m. Is the Blair Witch-style camerawork really necessary during the paparazzi scrum? I mean, when you consider the camera is still in the car?
9:27 p.m. Props to the interviewer for phrasing the "victim of success" question as such instead of saying "How does someone become a fucking joke?" which might be how some of us would put it.
9:28 p.m. Did Britney just take a swipe at Katie Holmes? (CHEAP SHOT COMING) If Tom ever lets her out of her cage, Katie's going to be PISSED.
9:30 p.m. I guess even documentaries include the compulsory shopping montage.
9:31 p.m. Some shocking and much-needed humility from Britney. Snaps.
9:33 p.m. As Britney talks about the emotional depth of In the Heights, I can't help but wonder if she's someone who feels forced to fulfill her stereotype/media given image, or if it has been created because it is an accurate depiction of who she is. Chicken or egg?
9:34 p.m. Britney just referred to K-Fed as "her babies' daddy." HELL YES B-SPEARS!
9:37 p.m. Even the commercials are all-Britney. This is like an episode of "Saturday Night Live," and I can't tell if the commercials are part of the documentary or if they're real. And I can't believe she built them in to the special. What?
9:40 p.m. Jamie Spears is kind of frightening and yet intriguing. And he just compared his weekend fishing hobby to Britney's career. What does that even mean?
9:41 p.m. Britney and Jamie's relationship reminds me of that scene in Madonna: Truth or Dare when her dad comes backstage. Is it just me?
9:43 p.m. Unlike most celebrities, I do actually believe it's hard to be Britney and live her life. If I weren't so dead inside, I might be crying with her. They should show this in film classes.
9:45 p.m. I'm starting to believe that Britney is her generation's Michael Jackson, in the sense that we're watching her breakdown and she's on TV telling us about it, just like the Gloved One's statement from the Neverland Ranch after the LAPD raided his house. You know, the first time he was accused of child molestation.
9:47 p.m. Is Britney shooting a sequel to the "Oops I Did It Again" video? That red turtleneck makes me think so. Did I miss something?
9:48 p.m. This background piano track is SO "Movie of the Week." Ugh, too "True Life"-y, MTV.
9:49 p.m. No one told me Madge was going to show up!!! Wait, why isn't her face moving? Why does she look like a Calico? I'll never figure out why Madonna takes an honest interest in the affairs of Ms. Spears.
9:52 p.m. The time is really flying but I don't feel like I'm learning a lot. Anyone else feeling some gossip-natured blue balls? Oh B.Spears, such a tease...Some things never change.
9:54 p.m. I thought that was Perez Hilton in the gold sequined coat. It's Jamie Spears. Whoops.
9:55 p.m. (CHEAP SHOT NUMBERS 2 and 3) "Y'all are pretty fairies and I'm an ugly witch." Sounds like Christina Aguilera, circa Dirrty. Or Bill O'Reilly on any given day.
9:57 p.m. This scene is also like Madonna in Madonna: Truth or Dare. Hanging out with the dancers, thought it's all much more sanitized. This is making me wish there was an uncut, Miramax version of this documentary where Britney's dancers show her their penises and she's excommunicated by the Church. Anyone?
10 p.m. Britney's almost 27 and is still referring to herself as a girl. The problems really are deeper than we know.
10:01 p.m. You go and show that inner-Material Girl, Britney. All that rage about being impatient and waiting for the "fucking fireworks." LOVE IT.
10:02 p.m. What? You haven't told enough but you want to write "a good, mysterious book?" NO! I WANT THE TRUTH, ALL THE DIRT, CRYSTAL CLEAR!
10:03 p.m. Somewhere Christina Aguilera is touching her massive boobs and is pissed because Britney's video looks an awful lot like her "Hurt" clip. I'm just saying, from far away it's hard to distinguish the two.
10:04 p.m. Britney or Ralph Macchio? It is hard to tell. But seriously, she is funny. I just don't know if she intended to be.

I'm going to eat queso and watch Damien Fahey feed Brit-Brit's ego some more. But I will say this: Overall, the documentary was somewhat enlightening, heartbreaking, and fucking awkward. I do feel bad for Britney, but unfortunately she didn't prove that whole "I'm a smart person, what the hell was I thinking quote" as much as I'd have liked. I want to cheer for her, but even this documentary can't make me. But I don't want her to fail as much as I used to. Let me know if you think it lived up to the hype.

-Meryn, who hopes that her future MTV documentary is more salacious and less Confederate-tastic.

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