Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Most Dangerous Game

Hunting man, it has been said, is the most dangerous game. The most "Wicked Game," even, if you're Chris Isaak.

People are squishy, but also resourceful when necessary. This is definitely true if you find yourself stuck on a desert island with a bunch of hungry-looking strangers and a cache of weapons or being offered a large sum of a money by an overzealous millionaire with a high-powered rifle and forty acres of forest in his backyard like John Leguizamo in The Pest. But it's also true if you're just looking for pics of your favorite celeb on the Internet, at least according to anti-virus software giant McAfee.

Today, McAfee released their annual list of the most dangerous celebrities in cyberspace. Last year, the winner of this dubious distinction was Brad Pitt. This makes perfect sense. He's one of the hottest stars in Hollywood, and one stare from those steely eyes or a glance at those abs could kill most lesser mortals. This year he dropped to number 10 on the list. Apparently Hackers are upset that he took Angelina Jolie away from them and couldn't stand to associate their work with his name any longer.

At #5 is Jessica Simpson, someone who, according to McAfee's release, "is as dangerous to search online as she is famous."

Though Cowboys fans would have surely agreed when she was dating Tony Romo, I take this to mean that websites devoted to Jessica Simpson are getting safer and safer every day.

Speaking of quarterbacks, #4 is ball-slinging stud-muffin extraodinaire Tom Brady. His girlfriend, Gisele
Bundchen, is #6. If McAfee is to be believed, their child is going to come with spyware and a Trojan virus pre-installed. Probably Windows Vista, too.

#3 is Jennifer Aniston. McAfee notes that searches for her turned up many viruses, including one called the "FunLove" virus. Brad Pitt and John Mayer disagree.

Beyonce is McAfee's perennial #2, now appearing at the spot for the second year in a row. Somewhere, Kelly Rowland's solo career is chuckling, filled with a sense of justice.

That brings us to this year's #1. Who could be more famous, and thus an easier mark for hackers looking to foist their wares (ad-, spy-, and mal-) on unsuspecting victims than Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus (#7) or Megan Fox (tied with Angelina Jolie at #8)? Barack Obama, perhaps? No. Obama didn't even make McAfee's Top-15, appearing on the list at #34. It appears that even hackers are filled with a sense of Hope this year.

Coming in at #1 on the list is Jessica Biel.

I know what you're thinking: "Not Mary Camden!" I know, I know. It's a tough pill to swallow, but even a tougher one to search for, with McAfee reporting a one-in-five chance of reaching a dangerous site when searching for the starlet online. How is she, star of such Oscar contenders as Stealth and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, is the most volatile celebrity on the web? I can't say. But underneath those piercing hazel eyes and that winning smile lies evil of the highest order. When you try to download a picture of them, that is.

We all know the Internet can be a dangerous place. It's full of creeps, thugs, and infected Kim Kardashian (#15) screensavers. But, as McAfee warns, even fans of celebrities (and bloggers looking for photos to accompany posts) need to be hyper-aware of their cyber-surroundings. It seems that nowhere is safe. So remember, when hunting the most dangerous game, do it the old-fashioned way: with a musket and a head start.

~Tommy Morgan Jr.

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